what happily married couples do

this weekend i got up in front of 400 adults and told them how to have happier marriages. like i'm some kind of expert or something. i was asked to target the young marrieds though so that made me feel better. i started off my talk by telling on myself. when i got the phone call asking if i would speak i missed it. i missed it because i was busy locking myself in the bedroom because i was mad at brett for something stupid. hoooow ironic i got asked to speak on marriage at that exact moment! heavenly father knows i've got a thing or two to learn apparently! there was an up and down side to this opener: i got a good laugh to start the talk and everyone knew i was being honest with them, but on the other hand now everyone just remembers me by the image of a fuming freya locking herself in the bedroom. ha.
in case you missed it and for future reference for myself, here's the gist of what i said. if you don't have time for all this reading, just stick with the bolded parts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

From 1991 Conference talk, President Hinckley said, “Of course, all in marriage is not bliss. Years ago I clipped these words from a column written by Jenkins Lloyd Jones: “There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. …Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.” (Deseret News, June 1973)
Not to sound discouraging like you can't have bliss in marriage, but I like this quote because it shows that marriage is work. It takes effort, it's not just magic. Young people get caught up in the romanticized idea of marriage (the dress the flowers etc.) and forget that you have to work at making a marriage happy.

WHAT HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES DO  
by Douglas Brinley (BYU professor: studies how gospel principles present the keys to build a great marriage/family life.)
Having spent my career helping couples strengthen their marriages, I have learned that couples who are experiencing marital troubles often face a twofold problem: they have lost the Spirit of the Lord in their relationship because of contention, and they are not doing the kinds of activities that would bring them closer to each other. Happily married couples do some specific types of things to keep their marriages vibrant and meaningful for both partners. The following ideas may help you and your spouse evaluate and enrich your relationship.

1. Have positive conversations. Sharing experiences and feelings in depth with each other is the solution to most marital problems. Couples need time just to talk about marriage, family, career, Church callings, children, the ward, the neighborhood, goals, and many other subjects. You both must feel comfortable exchanging your thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism, feeling inferior, or being smothered.

2. Remember that you are each other’s therapists. No counselor or outsider knows the two of you better than the two of you do! You know each other’s likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. A good therapist listens attentively; provides new perspectives on situations; compliments on progress; is patient, kind, and nonjudgmental; and helps us think things through in ways that allow a better solution.

3. Be humble and cultivate Christlike attributes. From Preach my Gospel some examples of Christlike attributes are: Faith, Hope, Charity & Love, Virtue, Knowledge, Patience, Humility, Diligence, and Obedience. Think of each one of those and how they really play a role in your marriage and how you could improve on them. I think this illustrates the amazing role that marriage/families play in helping us become more like Christ and our Father in Heaven. We're here to learn and grow and families/this part of Heavenly Father's plan help us do that.
When you have a disagreement, realize that both of you have the responsibility to resolve it. Sometimes seeing a situation from the other person’s point of view is difficult. However, with humility and kindness, you can work together to solve problems in a manner that accommodates both of your needs.
President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women.”
This can be hard when you're first married because you're used to being on your own, but once you're married and equally yoked with someone you have to remember to take them/their wants/needs into account.

4. Date frequently. You and your spouse need time together to renew your relationship. New perspectives come with time away from the mundane. That means dating is essential. If you have children but few resources, look for creative ways to go on dates. Above all, recognize that a babysitter is cheaper than a divorce.

5. Show affection. We all need to feel loved, cherished, needed, and wanted. Physically and verbally show your affection for your spouse.

6. Enrich your intimacy. Physical and emotional intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. Loving, kind interactions facilitate greater unity.

7. Spend time with children and grandchildren (and nieces & nephews). Be kind to children. Husbands and wives who take an active, positive role in parenting engender love from their spouses. Being parents is our divine role so it only makes sense that you have greater love for someone when they are fulfilling that role.

8. Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels. The key is to seek to support each other through good times as well as those difficult moments. Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” Seek to make homecoming a positive experience for each other. That may mean leaving frustrations at the door on the way into the home.

9. Eliminate anger. Anger is a great destroyer of marriages and families. If you become angry when something upsets you, your family members may be hesitant to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you.
Along with eliminating anger is being quick to forgive. Spencer W. Kimball said, “Marriage partners must be quick to forgive. If we will sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling differences—if we forgive and forget with all our hearts … if we forgive all real or fancied offenses before we ask forgiveness for our own sins—if we pay our own debts, large or small, before we press our debtors—if we manage to clear our own eyes of the blinding beams before we magnify the motes in the eyes of others—what a glorious world this would be! The peace which passeth understanding would bring to us all a joy and happiness which has hardly ‘entered into the heart of man.’”
This is connected back to the Christlike attributes. Try to be like Christ and forgive all without holding onto anger.

10. Seek feedback and help each other. From an eternal perspective, we are all new at marriage and have a lot to learn. A humble approach toward each other allows husbands and wives to learn from one another. Seeking feedback from your spouse about how you are doing and how you could improve might be just what you need to be a better spouse and parent. Remember that insisting on being right is not as important as being united and having the Spirit.

In addition, here are a few more specific things all couples can do that, through consistent effort, will bring happiness into the home and invite the Spirit into your lives:
1. Kneel together in prayer morning and night to call down the powers of heaven to bless your marriage.
2. Study the scriptures individually and as a family.
3. Attend the temple together regularly.

To close, the Family Proclamation sums it up, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

resources>>
what happily married couples do full article
"what god hath joined together" by president hinckley
the family: a proclamation to the world
preach my gospel manual (chapter six on page 115)

natvie american gothic. 2010.